Wednesday, 22 February 2012


Hello darlings. People think that the life of a superstar is easy, but I don't have any servants. I always say that if you want a job doing well you have to do it yourself. David Beckham hoovers stripes into his carpets every day so that they look like Wembley Stadium, and though football looks awfully muddy and most unsuitable to a snow-white thing like myself, I understand where he's coming from. As you can see, I arrange the pile of my carpets into circles. Visitors think I've been invaded by aliens when they first see them.

After all that housework, there's nothing I like better than a nice cup of tea. I have the flowers flown in every day from Fortnum and Masons. I always think about that amusing story regarding Kenneth Williams when I'm having my afternoon cuppa. Kenneth, as you probably know, rather liked flashing his meat and two veg at unsuspecting passers by when filming all those wonderful CARRY ON movies at Pinewood Studios. (Note to Self: must remember to get up early tomorrow for my close-ups). Anyway, one day,  a very laconic tea lady was wheeling her squeaking tea trolley down the corridor and Kenneth leapt out from behind a door to reveal all. The tea lady was unmoved. Looking him up and down she just said: "One lump or two? - or in your case, none at all, I suppose."

Some unkind people say that I resemble Whistler's mother in this intimate photo-portrait, but I don't think she could ever have worked as hard as I have today. I really do enjoy a good sit down. In fact, I'm rather like Oscar Wilde in that respect, who once confessed that whenever the urge to do any exercise came over him he lay down until the urge had passed away. Not only have I had to do all that housework and tea drinking, but I have had to look my best whilst doing it for the photographer. All you ordinary housewives out there, living your humdrum little lives never have to contend with that, do you, bless. I rather envy you - until I realise how much more interesting and glamorous I am. It's just a cross I have to bear, if you'll forgive the pun.


  1. Snowy, what a trooper you are, not only do you have to do all your own cleaning, you keep yourself looking gorgeous at all times! It MUST be EXHAUSTING, no wonder you need to take some time out to recover! How nice to see you take your tea in the proper fashion, from a pot with a cup and saucer, no mugs for you!

    I must also congratulate you on your choice of wall paper, it is both extremely tasteful and a perfect backdrop to your own self! Can't get enough GLITTER!!

  2. Dearest Snowy,

    I take my hat off to you....To manage all that tedious house work and still look so adorable is an art!! I myself am one of those ordinary house wives, I do try to look my best in my collection of vintage pinnies, but you seem to manage without getting even so much as a speck of dust on your snowy white fur!! How fabulous you look taking your tea, every so composed and elegant and that F&M rose compliments you beautifully.

    I have had a thought though, whilst initially David seemed the wrong choice as your assistant, a little bird told me that he is in fact a bit of a neat freak and may very happily take over your cleaning duties which would give you more opportunity to Oscar Wild it.

    Your adoring Fi xxxx

  3. Well it looks like my assistant has disappeared, so I am forced to drag my own paws across the keyboard, in response to your message, at least until he shows up again!

    Yes I am, like Gilbert and George, a living artwork, everything I do is a statement of art! When I vacuum, I am not just hoovering, I am sending out a clear artistic message about the plight of the polar bear in central Africa, or wherever! a subject very close to my heart as you can imagine!

    Oh! vintage pinnies!! I like the sound of those, I shall get that useless assistant of mine to source some gorgeous ones for me!

    It was the Queen herself who taught me how to drink tea correctly, there is a real art to it, as you will not be surprised to learn! It was easy for me, being composed, elegant and beautiful is my default setting, the Queen was a nervous wreak in my presence however and spilt her tea several times! I forgave her, as it was the first time she had been allowed to get so close to me!

    Yes, David does seem to be quite neat, I hardly notice him, but the house is quite tidy when he's around and it can't ALL be down to me, as I need to remember be beauty treatments and Yogibearga exercises. Perhaps I could trust him to do a few of the more menial tasks for me, as long as he doesn't get to close!

    How nice for you to have a goal to strive for now in you standards of house keeping, I imagine you're going to struggle at first, but that other australian house wife, what's her name? Edna, she can give you a few tips!

    Have I managed to fill this space with enough words to look like I have bothered to reply yet?

    yes? Good!

    Much love Snowy xx

  4. Cher Snowy,

    When I stumbled across your most excellent blog here in the U.S. I immediately sent a withering email to the publishers of that hack, so-called 'life-style magazine,'(namely: Martha Stewart Living), and canceled my subscription. I then proceeded to push the 'follow' button on YOUR blog! That talent-less hag, Stewart, has nothing on you, dear Snowy, (But beware: next month the crafty minx will undoubtedly purloin ALL of your ideas and mark my words: her next cover story will prominently feature crop circle area rugs and that witch will not give you an iota of credit! She is hateful! Please do hire a patent lawyer and trademark every and I mean EVERYTHING on your blog lest that hussy rob you of your very snow-white pelt which she would then shamelessly turn into a toilet-tissue cozy and sell at Macy's with the rest of her over-priced crap. Sorry to be so blunt but being forewarned is foreARMED!

    Anyway, LOVE your blog!

    Your newest fan,

  5. Snowy, dear I seem to remember we shared the hoovering yesterday, i.e. I cleaned the carpets and you were photographed with the vacuum cleaner afterwards. I know you are usually too busy looking in the mirror to notice me, but I do think we ought to get the facts straight, before we go around showering withering epigrams, don't you? Perhaps not. And I think I'm the one who wears the pinny in this house. Quite right too: we wouldn't want you to be trapped in the dishwasher would we? What a thought! That would make a good disaster movie, wouldn't it? - just like the moment in 2012 when they all get trapped in the gate of one of those arks and nearly drown. Still, it might clean your paws, which I noticed this morning were looking a tad grubby. Funny that the Queen taught you all you know about tea drinking, because when I ACTUALLY went to the palace we weren't offered anything to eat or drink. Thank heavens we'd booked afternoon tea at the Ritz afterwards, otherwise we'd have died of thirst.

  6. That BITCH! I used to know Martha Stewart, when the magazine was called Gorgeous Snowy Living (with Martha Stewart)! But that hateful witch stole all the credit for my hand crocheted egg cosies one Easter, and pulled the rug from under me, she probably also slept with the publisher or something (what's she going to do, sue a stuffed toy?) Still I got my own back on that hag by fiddling her accounts, so she served time in a sweaty womens prison! HA! that showed her, except she's now worth even more, Meh!

    I wouldn't be at all surprised if she's flogging crop circle area rugs next month, she's never had an original idea in her life, right!?

    All I can say is, next time you see a Martha Stewart Stock Cube Dispenser and Egg Timer, think of me and stamp that crap to dust beneath your jewelled heels!!

    Merci mon ami!

    By the way, I do have a range of Snowy[TM] bathroom accessories available at selected home boutiques across the globe.

    Snowy XXX

    1.'m aneurism!!!!

  7. Oh dear David or whatever you are called, I detect some bitterness in your comments!

    It must be hard for you living in my fabulous shadow, but plase put a lid on your petty jealousy, it ages one so terribly!

    Now you mention it, I DO remember being KEPT WAITING, for EVER, for you to take my photos whilst you fussed over rugs, washing up, dusting and whatever else it is you do. Quite unacceptable!

    Any reports of my paws being anything less than sparklingly clean will be taken as an outragous slur on my person and I'll drag your (large) behind through the courts!

    How typical of you to be watching silly disaster movies when you should be attending to me! I'd cut your wages if I actually bothered to pay you anything!

    If I were a queen I'd make you stand all day at the palace without a single cup of tea too. I actually told Queeney not to give you anything, everyone else had a slap up tea party with chocolates and crisps after you'd left to take tea at the tatty old Ritz Hotel!

    (by the way, what was wrong with booking a table for tea at my fine London hotel The Snotz? probably far too expensive for you!)

    Now stop revolting and get back to work!!


  8. It would be very low of me to comment on your spelling mistakes - but I blame these on your secretary, as I'm sure you never personally type anything. Might be a good idea to check what your slave does for you before you publish anything, though. Did I see you on TV recently? I saw a lot of polar bears chasing seals but thought you'd have sent someone out to the supermarket, so assumed it was a lookalike - if such a thing is possible.

  9. What Evs Dear!

    My you're a grump today! Einstein made spelling mistakes, didn't stop him being a genious!

    I'm affraid I don't know what a supermarket is, is that the shame hole you go to to buy YOUR food? Mine is all flown in by Fortnum & Mason. Who cares about a carbon footprint when it comes to decent eating!?

    I've been thinking of allowing shops and products I use regularly my own appointent seal like my friend Queen Liz does, 'By Appointment to His Fabulousness [HF]Snowy the Bear' has a certain ring to it doesn't it!?

    Still here David? No? GOOD!!

  10. BTW There is NO WAY I have a lookalike! except to do all the village fete openings and interviews for the less interesting magazines that I can't be bothered to attend.

    AND I DO NOT CHASE SEALS, they are far too fat and ugly!

  11. 911...I'm dying!!!

    (But first, grrrr, I have to prove I'm not a robot in order to post this comment...Join the Revolution, Snowy, s'il vous plaƮt)!

  12. Dear John, I was so worried about you, that after a few hours I got one of my assistants to call 911 for you (or is it 999?) anyway, whatever, apparently they have to have you address or something, very tiresome, so I didn't bother going any further, hope you're alright now, did the best I could.

    I did however join your blog revolution, so now you don't have to be a robot to leave comments, just fabulous and beautiful!!

    much love mon ami

    snowy xx