Hello darlings. People think that the life of a superstar is easy, but I don't have any servants. I always say that if you want a job doing well you have to do it yourself. David Beckham hoovers stripes into his carpets every day so that they look like Wembley Stadium, and though football looks awfully muddy and most unsuitable to a snow-white thing like myself, I understand where he's coming from. As you can see, I arrange the pile of my carpets into circles. Visitors think I've been invaded by aliens when they first see them.
After all that housework, there's nothing I like better than a nice cup of tea. I have the flowers flown in every day from Fortnum and Masons. I always think about that amusing story regarding Kenneth Williams when I'm having my afternoon cuppa. Kenneth, as you probably know, rather liked flashing his meat and two veg at unsuspecting passers by when filming all those wonderful CARRY ON movies at Pinewood Studios. (Note to Self: must remember to get up early tomorrow for my close-ups). Anyway, one day, a very laconic tea lady was wheeling her squeaking tea trolley down the corridor and Kenneth leapt out from behind a door to reveal all. The tea lady was unmoved. Looking him up and down she just said: "One lump or two? - or in your case, none at all, I suppose."
Some unkind people say that I resemble Whistler's mother in this intimate photo-portrait, but I don't think she could ever have worked as hard as I have today. I really do enjoy a good sit down. In fact, I'm rather like Oscar Wilde in that respect, who once confessed that whenever the urge to do any exercise came over him he lay down until the urge had passed away. Not only have I had to do all that housework and tea drinking, but I have had to look my best whilst doing it for the photographer. All you ordinary housewives out there, living your humdrum little lives never have to contend with that, do you, bless. I rather envy you - until I realise how much more interesting and glamorous I am. It's just a cross I have to bear, if you'll forgive the pun.
